Caring for your kids AND your parents

You've probably heard the phrase "The Sandwich Generation". If you are caring for children at home, and are also caring for, or helping to care for, an older adult, YOU are the sandwich generation, and you're not alone. There is a growing segment of adults who care for both an older adult and their own children. According to Pew Research, in 2012, nearly half of adults had a parent 65+ and were raising a minor child, and 15% provided financial support to a parent and child in previous year.

Aging and elder care expert Carol Abaya uses three different terms to describe the sandwich generation:

• The Traditional Sandwich Generation — These are adults in their 40s and 50s who have elderly parents and (usually) adult children, all of whom need some kind of financial or other assistance.
• The Club Sandwich Generation — These are older adults in their 50s and 60s who not only have aging parents, they also have adult children and grandchildren. It can also be used to describe younger adults in their 30s with children, aging parents and grandparents.
• The Open Faced Sandwich Generation — Anyone involved in elder care (non-professionally), which is estimated to be 25% of individuals at some point in their lives.

How did this happen?

A number of factors have played a role in the sandwich generation phenomenon. First, we are living longer. Second, many adults are marrying later, and also having children later. Third, for a variety of reasons, but often financial, adult children are living at home longer, or returning home after divorce.

Pros of Caregiving

• Foster closeness among family members
• Make caregiver feel good about ability to care for loved ones

Cons of Caregiving

• Stressful and exhausting
• May compromise own health:
  • Reduced time to invest in healthy behaviors, such as preparing healthy meals, exercising, or relaxing
  • Too focused on others’ needs to care for self
• Strain on personal, emotional, and financial resources

The good news is that adults in the sandwich generation appear to be just as content with life as those who are not under the same pressures.

How to Cope

If you are in the sandwich generation, here are a few tips for you on how to cope with your life situation:

Take care to prioritize your own retirement plan

Determine what you need to comfortably retire, then split the remaining investable income bewteen accounts for your children's college and your parents' care. In addition, your children can look for scholarships, grants and loans to supplement what you are able to contribute. If you don’t make your retirement savings a top priority, your children could find themselves in a similar situation someday—worrying about how to help support you

Take care of yourself

When you're on an airplane, the preflight safety message cautions you to put on your own oxygen mask during emergencies before helping others. The same rule applies to caregiving. If you’re not healthy and rested, you can’t take care of loved ones. You need to eat healthy, with plenty of fruits, veggies, and whole grains, while limiting fats and sugars. Aim for 30 minutes a day of exercise. It will release feel-good hormones that will help you cope with stress. Schedule time to relax, and try to get 8 hours of sleep a night. Nothing will deplete your mental and physical reserves faster than sleep deprivation!

Share the workload with other adults

Ask siblings to help with parent care. Even if they live far away, they may be able to help financially or with phone calls or setting up appointments. Ask other able-bodied family members to pitch in with chores. Your 12-year old can do a load of laundry, and the 8-year old can load and unload the dishwasher. Older children or adult children can help with meal prep and housework. Consider hiring outside help for other things such as a maid service for heavy cleaning. Other family and friends can help provide respite care to give you a break.

Communicate

Whether you are caring for your parents full-time, providing housing for adult children who are in need of assistance, or a combination of these, communication among all parties is cruicial. Schedule family meetings and set expectations in advance. For example, if your adult children are moving home, be sure to set some ground rules ahead of time: Who will pay what expenses, do what chores, and so on. Be cognizant of potential stressors, knowing that moving into your house means a loss of automy for both adult children and your aging parents.

Above all, try to keep a sense of humor, and give everyone chance to express feelings and concerns.

Monitor stress levels

Look for signs of caregiver burnout, which may include sleeping too much or too little, getting easily irritated or angered, substance abuse, feeling overwhelmed, weight gain or loss, losing interest in activities, and feeling worried or sad. Talk to a doctor if symptoms persist, and consider joining a support group for caregivers.

Other Resources

The cost of long-term care is top challenge for seniors and their families. The U.S. Department of Health & Human Services has information at https://longtermcare.acl.gov/

National Alliance for Caregiving: www.caregiving.org

AARP: www.aarp.org